Saturday, July 17, 2010

Sunday Funnies

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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Jonah and the Whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


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A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."


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Unusual Church Sign

Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a younger priest, saying, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters.'

'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian wisely. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot'n Tell or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'




HAVE A GREAT SUNDAY!!

5 comments:

  1. Those are too funny I love them. Have a great day

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  2. Thanks for the laughs this morning. My husband and I especially loved the whale tale!

    ~Karen

    PS: My lemon/blueberry bread is scrumptious; thanks for posting that recipe.

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  3. Oh my sides hurt from laughing - especially the neon sign on the roof. Many years ago there was a drive-in church in Riverside, California. It was the old fashioned drive-in where you put a speaker in the car window and watched the movie. When you drove by there on Sunday morning, there were always a lot of cars.

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  4. LOl The drive thru confessional was new to me! LOL :-)

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  5. These are hilarious! Thanks for giving me a giggle this morning. :-)

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